The Funnies - Goodbye Christmas (1909)

The Funnies: World War I Santa (1917)

"What's the matter with having Santa Claus make his entrance in one of them tanks?"

An odd combination this Monday. Santa arriving on a tank is a byproduct of World War I and the emergence of all things mechanized. Nothing jolly about being a "tanker" in the Great War. Their insides were cramped, deafeningly loud, internal temperatures frequently rose above 120 degrees, and their armor wouldn't turn German artillery. Nothing merry about having a German '88 detonate your fuel and armaments while you're sealed inside, I'll wager.

Gifts for the Good Little Elves - The 1937 Zenith Long Distance Radio

It's amazing how time gets away. One moment it's spring and the next minute the candle of the year has burned down to a stub and the room is getting dark. It's been a tough and eventful summer for me and the unfortunate result is my ignoring my blog while I dealt with more pressing matters. Hopefully I'll have a little more time to post now and I can get back to posting regularly. And what better way to start than delving into the stacks of musty magazines for some time-worn tat that would make good gifts for the lover of all things vintage? The item on today's gift list is the ultra-modern Zenith Long Distance Radio from 1937.

Check out those Art Deco lines! As the Zephyr name suggests, this is a radio that looks like it's moving at 100 mph even when it's sitting in your living room. It's the embodiment of Art Deco's ethos of mass manufacturing as art - a piece of furniture that rolled out of a factory with style. Today every car looks pretty much like every other car, every toaster looks like every other toaster, and furniture has become practically disposable press-board cutouts.

I've come across a few similar radios in antique stores, but they're usually in really rough shape or unbelievably expensive (as of the writing of this  eBay had one listed at $2000+). Also it's interesting to know that, though Zenith's ad touts console radios as old and out, their Zephyr range included console radios. Maybe they were hedging their bet. Still, nothing add a certain flare to the study like a nice vintage radio end table sitting next to the Art Deco chair with a deco cradle phone nearby.

The Funnies - Handy John (1914)

"You may be weak on literature, John, but when it comes to Christmas shopping you're a wonder."

Life Magazine, December 3, 1914

The Funnies - Special Christmas Eve Edition

Cartoonist Jay Norwood "Ding" Darling expressing the Christmas sentiment 100 years ago for the Des Moines Register and Leader. Ding was a multi-talented fellow and important in the conservation movement as well as being an editorial cartoonist, he helped initiate the Federal Duck Stamp program, designed its first stamp, and headed up the US Biological Survey (the forerunner of the Fish and Wildlife Service) for Franklin D. Roosevelt. The man's got a Pulitzer, a National Audubon Society Award, and a nature preserve named after him...who says doodling won't get you anywhere?

Good For Nothing Gifts...According to Life Magazine

A little article on what the editors of Life Magazine considered worthless gifts back in 1953.

 

The Yellow Pages Christmas Tree

Remember making telephone book Christmas trees in grade school? I don't have a lot of positive memories about my formative years in the Indiana Public School System - they mostly consist of being bullied, berated, and embarrassed at every turn for some shortcoming or another. One thing I do remember is folding thousands of pages of telephone books to make holiday Christmas trees during the run-up to Christmas break. Now there aren't even phone books to fold, so I wonder what pointlessly time consuming activity kindergarten teachers employ now?

The Christmas List - Sunbeam

Normally this one would show up on the Naughty List, but there's a specific piece of equipment in this ad that I just acquired. The Sunbeam deep fryer or as I like to call it - the Sunbeam Grease Spreader. Mine is missing the mesh basket, still when it reaches temperature it's greasing machine. Looks like a part from a 50's jet too.

The Christmas List - Ronson Lighters (1953)

Can't look at this ad without thinking about my grandmother setting her hair on fire when she turned her Ronson butane lighter up way too high.

The Funnies - A Wise Boy (1915)

"It's a wise boy that knows his own father"

Life Magazine, December 1915

The Christmas List - Kaywoodie Pipes

In an alternate, crossover universe Tony Stark and Harley Quinn are married.

The Christmas List - Life Bras (1940)

I'm just saying I'll have what she's having...

The Naughty List - Cannon Sheets and Towels (1940)

The detectives gathered in close as Mabel lit her cigarette. It'd been ten hours and their years of experience working homicide cases told them she was ready to talk, ready to unburden herself and close the case.

"Every year it was the same," she said, exhaling a cloud of smoke. "first it was the vacuum cleaner, then the girdle, then the scales...he was just clueless. So I told him, Richard I would like something nice for Christmas - like jewelry or perfume. I figured he'd do okay, you know some guys just have to be told what to do, and then..." She took a long drag on the cigarette and stared off into the low cloud bank of smoke that'd began to collect around the single lamp overhead.

"And then?" The lead detective prompted.

"At first I thought he'd finally got it, what with the pretty packages under the tree, but he hadn't you see. First was wash rags, then dish towels, then bath towels...I just...I just snapped...I don't really remember anything else."

The lead detective drew a deep breath and sat back in his chair, assessing the woman sitting in front of him."

"Do you...do you think I'll get the chair?" She asked, her voice trembling.

"No ma'am, no jury would convict you for killing a man who gave you wash rags for Christmas..."

The Funnies - Coals to Newcastle (1914)

Coals to Newcastle

Life Magazine, December 3, 1914

I think this cartoon deserves a bit of an explainer. The saying "coals to Newcastle" means doing something foolish or embarking on an enterprise that's believed to be doomed to failure. The saying took a turn in the 1900's (possibly near the time of this cartoon's printing) when Timothy Dexter was convinced by fellow entrepreneurs who were secretly plotting to ruin him, that he should sail a shipment of coal to Newcastle, England, the historic center of British coal production. Dexter scored a victory when his shipment just happened to land in the middle of a British miner's strike.

So, it's possible to read our beautiful young subject hardly needs mistletoe, and at the same time she's guaranteed it'll work on whatever suitor she's got in mind!

A Little Christmas Music - Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (1935)

I know that I've aired this classic in my Christmas Music series before, but no song sets the mood for December 24 like Santa Claus is Comin' to Town. And, if you ask me, nobody does this particular tune like Tommy Dorsey and his Orchestra. Here's a 1935 Victor recording of the band swinging out with reindeer, peppermint sticks, and all that jolly stuff!

The Christmas List - Master Magician Kit

Learn to produce sparrows from a flaming charcoal grill! Okay, so maybe it's a brazier, all I can say is I guarantee there isn't one in the Master Magician Kit. I'm also guessing the card tricks aren't all that elaborate or astounding and that your friends probably wouldn't be perplexed or amazed. The best bet is that half the pieces would be damaged or lost within a month, about three weeks after you got utterly bored with the whole magic thing.

The Master Magician Kit really was just a premium for purchasing a subscription to Open Road for Boys, a magazine dedicated to promoting outdoor activities to young boys. The magazine's run was from 1919 into the 1950's. I wonder if anyone told them stage magic isn't really an outdoor activity?

What to Expect for Mom and Dad...

For those of you with kids, don't say you haven't been warned of what the morning holds...

Christmas Morning

These tired parents went to bed at three A.M. It is now six.

The Funnies - The Dinner of the Toy Soldiers (1900)

Life Magazine, December 1, 1900

(Not) the Christmas List - Ovaltine

Can't see this ad without hearing Ralphie's disappointment after finally receiving his Little Orphan Annie secret decoder badge and unscrambling his first message.

The Christmas List - Paul Jones (Sort Of)

Not so sure about adding a bottle of Paul Jones blended whiskey to my Christmas list, but man dig the mid-century office desk and chairs! I definitely would like to see this set under my tree!