Dextrose!

Dextrose, simple sugar and carbohydrate supreme. I never thought something like dextrose would need to be promoted, but then I came across this ad during one of my magazine forays. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the phrase “America’s finest packaged desserts…” before reading this ad and I’m still not sure it’s an endorsement. Now we read processed foods and, even if we don’t listen, the doctor voice in the back of our minds starts making disapproving noises. I’m guessing the ad executives who put this one together had an inkling they were on thin ice too since they resort to putting prepared in quotes.

Corn Products Refining Company (now the innocuously named Ingredion) was based in Westchester, IL and manufactured dextrose from corn (read corn syrup) as well as raw materials for corn starch and corn oil. In 1955 the company got in trouble with the IRS for its hedging practices and ended up appearing before the Supreme Court. They lost the case and wound up on the short end of the IRS’ tax paddle. Something tells me there isn't enough dextrose food-energy sugar in the world to sweeten a dish of back-taxes.

What drew me to the ad was the maniacal cheerleader-cow girl-patriotic-fairy mascot. She’s got those helter-skelter eyes that say she really needs to cut back on the coffee and the corn sweetener and possibly start a course of anti-psychotics before someone gets hurt. I can’t imagine a mom looking at that image and saying, “yeah, that’s what I want in my kid…the jitter fairy.”

Happy Tax Day!

On our day of national discontent, otherwise known as tax day, I give to you a big bottle of Pabst Tonic. This supposed cure-all would calm nerves, aid in digestion, focus the mind, restore health, and nip just about anything ailing the turn-of-the-century sucker…I mean patient.  I’m sure the marketers at Pabst would be proclaiming their marvelous extract would garner extra deductions if the FDA hadn’t finally put an end to dubious medical products of its sort.

This ad ran in Popular Mechanics in April of 1913, probably the reason that Pabst decided to use the phrase "tax upon mental, physical and nervous forces". I see the serial comma was fighting an uphill battle even back in 1913. That is unless physical and nervous forces are inseparable. Not being a malt extract expert, I really can't speak on these matters!

Anyway, all kidding aside, here’s hoping the government doesn’t take too big a bite this year. May your debits be small and your returns great!